


Try to kill it all away (But I remember everything)

by inkslinger_outlaw



Series: One More Time With Feeling [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Non-Binary Frisk, PTSD, Past Suicide Attempt, Sans is a good brother, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-28 05:30:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5079649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkslinger_outlaw/pseuds/inkslinger_outlaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frisk just wants to be happy like everyone else. Though it's hard when all they can feel are sins crawling on their back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Try to kill it all away (But I remember everything)

Frisk is not a happy child.

Despite so many accomplishments and friends made along the way on their journey...

They can't help but to just lay in bed some days, wishing they would disappear.

It's only been a year since monsters were moved above ground once more, but... things were going surprisingly well for everyone! Well... Everyone except for Frisk.

Don't get them wrong, they love their friends and their new monster family, but... They can't help but remember timeline after timeline. Horrible mistakes.

So much death and destruction... 

It wakes them up many nights. Sweating and shaking. Making them ill with regret and shame. Unable to look at their sweet friends faces, knowing that versions of themselves had killed each and every one of them at some point or another. 

Frisk swears they can see dust and ashes covering themselves sometimes. They can't even bring themselves to help mom bake pies most of the time. The flour reminds them too much of their sins. Even if those sins aren't their own. They don't know how to atone for it. For every reset and dead timeline. For every death and all the tears shed because of them. Because other Frisks were more corrupt or fragile and broken. More angry and bitter at the world. More dead inside. Frisk snorts. If that were the case then why didn't they go on a murderous rampage? They were certainly bitter and empty on the inside. 

Maybe... Maybe the other ones had just given up on love at that point. Thinking of it as some unattainable happiness meant for people who weren't themselves. Maybe they were just too worn down, having never really experienced kindness in their life before. You mean... why would they assume monsters would be kind?

Frisk grips their uneven hair in their hands, tears springing to their eyes. But Toriel was kind! She saved your useless life. She took you in and fed you! Gave you a bed. Showed you so much love in the first few minutes of meeting you. It was the most kindness you'd ever received from anyone. 

And some of you still murdered her! Being an accident or on purpose doesn't matter. You killed her for what? Wanting to leave the underground? It's not as if you had anything worth going back to. A dying city. Deadbeat parents who only ever hurt you. You had nothing! So why? It isn't as if you fell down that hole expecting to live! You knew what you were doing going on that mountain. You knew the legends. And yet... Frisk starts pounding their hands against their head, letting out whimpers as tears squeeze past clenched eyes.

You're such... you're such a horrible person! Even if it wasn't your doing, you murdered so many. Caused so much pain. You should have just died when you threw yourself into that hole! You don't understand. You don't understand why you had to keep living. Why everyone gave you a chance. Why everyone insists on being around you. There's so much filth and darkness within your soul. You're sure everyone can see it. See the rot in your ungly body, waiting to burst out. 

Frisk yanks at their hair, pulling strands out and making their scalp bleed. They scratch and scratch their arms, neck, face. Wherever they can reach skin. Bright red welts appear, some bleeding. Frisk sobs, seeminly unaware of their surroundings until two bony hands wrap around their wrists, gently yanking them away from their path of destruction. 

They look up, Sans grim, smiling face above them. 

"Hey... Buddy. Frisk. Um... you ok?" 

Frisk just sobs more, head shaking back and forth violently until Sans presses his skull against their head. 

"Easy! Easy... It's ok, pal. It's gonna be ok."

"N-No." They whimper. Frisk tries to pull their hands back, they need to ruin themselves. Punish themselves for being alive and kicking when they caused so much heartache. "Dead. _Killed monsters_." They sob harder, body pitching forward with the force of their cries. "Wanna die!" 

"Shh, shh... Frisk. You didn't kill anyone, alright? No one's dead. No one's _gonna_ be dead. Especially not you." 

That just makes Frisk yell in anguish, clenching their fists. They wish they could communicate better. Speech... isn't something they've ever been good at.

Sans pulls them onto his lap, running his fingers through Frisk's sweaty hair. He shushes them, humming. Their cries eventually die down, along with their tears.

"Oh boy..." Sans mumbles. "Frisk, do you feel like this a lot?" 

They sniffle and nod against his hoodie.

"A lot..." They whimper again and Sans hugs them a bit closer. 

"Hey, it's ok. Everyone feels bad sometimes. Even me, Pal..." Frisk already knows this, but appreciates the words regardless. "Look. How about we clean you up and have some Spider Cider, ok? Does that sound good, Buddy?"

Frisk nods, wiping at their face with hands no longer restrained. There's blood on them. Their own blood. 

Sans carries the trembling child into his own room, bandaging them and disinfecting the deep, bleeding scratches in their skin. Seeing them like this fills him with absolute dread. He's so worried. Especially when Frisk doesn't react at all aside from flexing their fingers every now and again.

"Frisk, I'm gonna go get us our drinks, ok? Will you be fine by yourself for a few minutes?" Frisk makes a barely noticeable nod and Sans hesitates for only a second before draping his hoodie around them. Frisk seems a little surprised, but immediately burrows into the warm jacket. "Be right back, Buddy." 

Sans shakes the whole way down the stairs and into the kitchen. He doesn't know what to do. This kid's rattled him to the bone.

He quickly fills two mugs with Spider Cider and pops them in the microwave. At the last second he decides to grab a plate of spaghetti for them to share too.

He still shakes on the way back to his room.

Frisk is sitting there on his bed, not seeming to have moved, wrapped up completely in his jacket and staring off. 

"Hey, Pal... How you feelin'?" 

Frisk frown deepens and Sans holds back a sigh. He's not equipped for this kind of thing. He's not Papyrus. He doesn't know how to motivate anyone. He can't even motivate himself most days.

"That's ok. Brought you your Cider. And some pasta." 

They eat and drink in relative silence. The only sounds being clinking silverware and the whir of his computer engine. They can almost hear Papyrus snoring from down the hall.

Frisk leans against him eventually after they're done and he puts an arm around them. 

"Think you can sleep again if you stay in here, kid?" 

Frisk shrugs a little. They're so, so tired. They don't want anymore nightmares.

"I'll be right here. I'll protect you, Frisk. Wanna lay down?"

Frisk yawns, nodding. Sans tucks them in and lays down next to them.

"You're gonna be ok, Frisk. We all love you." 

They nod a little and snuggle against San's bones.

"Love you too. Night."

"Night Frisk." He runs his fingers through their tangled hair once more until Frisk falls asleep. "I promise tomorrow will look better, Kid. I'll be with you the whole way..." He closes his eye sockets and drapes an arm over the sleeping bundle next to him. "We all will."

Frisk smiles softly in their sleep.


End file.
